Poison & Wine Page 14

  “Where is everything?” I ask, gesturing around the living room.

  “A few of the guys at the shop cleared Tommy’s stuff out a few days ago. They put it in storage for me.”

  “That was very thoughtful of them.”

  “Yeah.” He blows out a breath, taking a long look around the room. “Come on. My room is back here.” With that, he takes off down the hallway toward the back of the apartment.

  Veering into the first room on the left, he flips the light switch and enters the space, with me right on his heels.

  The room is pretty bare. An old bed. A few unpacked boxes. It’s clear he wasn’t here long. Another wave of sadness washes over me.

  After Tommy left, all Jace wanted was to have his brother back. He didn’t talk about it much but I know how badly he missed him. Then, well, everything happened. It wasn’t until this past stent in rehab that Tommy and Jace reconnected. How little time he got with him before he lost him forever.

  I know deep inside he’s probably barely holding on, but as he always did when we were kids, he puts on a brave face for me. Or at least I think it’s for me. Hell, maybe at this point it’s for himself. Maybe he’s trying to convince himself that he’s okay.

  I know if I were in his shoes, I wouldn’t even be close to okay. I’m not close to either of my siblings, yet the thought of anything happening to them guts me.

  “I just have these boxes here.” He gestures to a stack of three boxes in the corner. “And what’s in the closet.” He tugs open the door and pulls out some clothes, hangers and all, tossing them on the bed.

  Turning, he picks up an empty box off the floor and begins shoving the clothes inside, not bothering to fold anything.

  “I’ll take these out to the living room,” I say, grabbing the top box from the corner. It’s surprisingly light and doesn’t take much effort to carry to the front door.

  When I reenter the bedroom, Jace is coming out, two boxes balanced on top of each other.

  “There’s just the one with the clothes on the bed left,” he tells me.

  I nod, grabbing that box before following him back into the living room.

  “What about the bed?” I ask, setting the box next to the others.

  “I’m going to leave it. Tommy got it as a hand me down. It’s not worth keeping.”

  “You sure?”

  “Yeah.” He nods, taking another long look around the apartment. “It feels weird, being here. So fucking weird.” He shakes his head.

  “I know this can’t be easy on you.” My hand settles on his forearm. For some reason I feel like maybe the human contact will help, though I don’t know if it’s more for him or for me at this point.

  “It’s fine.” He shakes his head. “Let’s get these down to the car and get out of here.” He leans forward and grabs the two boxes stacked on top of one another, balancing them against his chest.

  I step past him and tug the door open for him, grabbing one of the other boxes before following him down to the car.

  We slide them into the back hatch.

  “I’m going to go grab the last box. I’ll be right back.” Before I can respond, he takes off toward the building.

  I lean against the side of my SUV, looking around the parking lot. This is where it happened. This is where Jace found Tommy in his car with a needle hanging out of his arm. This is the last place he saw his brother alive.

  I’m so lost in my thoughts that I don’t hear Jace approach until he’s right next to me, loading the last box into the car.

  “I just need to drop my key off at the leasing office, then we can head out.” He reaches up, closing the hatch.

  “Okay.” I cross around to the driver’s side and tug the door open.

  “It’s the first building when we pulled into the complex,” he tells me, settling in the seat next to me.

  I nod in confirmation, backing out of the parking spot before heading toward the front of the complex.

  “You know, if you ever need to talk, about anything, I’m here,” I say softly, pulling up next to the leasing office building.

  “I know.” He forces a smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “I’ll be right back.” He jumps out of the car before I have a chance to put it into park.

  I watch him jog down the sidewalk and disappear inside the leasing office, re-emerging less than thirty seconds later.

  “All set?” I ask as he slides back into the passenger seat.

  “Yep.” He nods, sliding his seatbelt back into place.

  It was such a simple trip. In and out. No fuss, no muss. And yet I felt Jace slip further and further with each minute that passed and now he seems so distant.

  And it’s nothing that he’s doing. He’s not showing any real outward emotion. In fact, he’s acting like everything is fine, which is how I know it’s not. This is what he does. When he’s in pain, when he’s suffering, he tries to pretend like everything is fine. It’s his coping mechanism. It has been since we were kids.

  “Could you do me a favor?” Jace asks as I pull out into the street.

  I nod.

  “Could you drop me by Crossroads Church on the way home? It’s about a mile from your house.”

  “I know where it is.”

  “I will get my stuff out of the car when I get back. I just… I could really use a meeting right now.”

  “Of course. I can come with if you want.”

  “That’s not really how NA works.” A hint of a smile tugs up one side of his mouth. “But thank you for the offer.”

  “Well, I can wait outside.”

  “You don’t need to do that. It’ll be a while.”

  “Do you want me to come pick you up when it’s over?”

  “Oak.” He reaches across the console and snags my hand, wrapping his fingers around it. My stomach swirls at the contact. “I don’t need you to do anything, okay. Just drop me off.”

  “Okay,” I agree softly.

  “I appreciate you trying to help me, really I do. But you can’t help me with this.”

  “Okay,” I repeat, feeling the loss of his touch the second he pulls his hand away.

  He relaxes back into his seat, his gaze going out the window. The silence engulfs us once more and I’m left feeling uneasy and on edge.

  I know it’s not my job to take care of him, but it’s a hard habit to break when I spent nearly half my life doing just that… Taking care of him.

  I drop him off at the church a few minutes later. I’m not proud of myself, but after he went inside I waited in the parking lot a good fifteen minutes before driving away. I worried that going to a meeting was a cover and that after I left he’d go looking for a score.

  It’s awful to think the worst of someone, but when you’ve seen them at their worst for so long, it’s difficult not to.

  When I get back to the house, I decide to take Jace’s boxes into the apartment for him. I don’t want to risk him coming to the house after I’ve brought Ellie home.

  I stack the first three boxes right inside the door before I head back out for the fourth. It’s heavier than the other boxes and I struggle with it a little on my way back to the garage. As soon as I get inside the door, I all but drop it on the floor. Unfortunately, it lands too far to one side and topples over, spilling the contents onto the floor.

  “Shit,” I mutter to myself, pulling the now empty box upright.

  Crossing around to the other side, I look over the items scattered at my feet. There are several notebooks, some sketching pencils, a sketchbook, and an old tattered bible, among other things.

  Leaning over, I begin picking the items up, placing them back into the box. I pause when I get to a notebook that had fallen open. I tell myself to close it and put it away, but the sight of Jace’s handwriting filling the entire page has my curiosity more than piqued.

  Reaching down, I pick up the notebook, my eyes scanning the page. The date of February twelfth of this year is scribbled across the top.

&nb
sp; Today has been hard. Fucking harder than any other day. I’m only a week in. A week and yet it feels like I’ve been here a year. I want to get high so bad I can literally taste it on my tongue. It’s all I want. My skin itches for it. My veins ache for it. It’s like having the worst fucking itch in the world and not being able to scratch it. I want to claw my way out of my own skin.

  Dr. Bennett talked a lot about regret today in our session. He had me make a list of everything I regret since I started using. The list was pretty short because there’s only one thing I regret. Only one thing that haunts me every night in my dreams.

  Oakley…

  I slam the book shut, my heart beating so hard and fast it feels like it might burst from my chest at any moment.

  He thought of me?

  I always imagined that the memory of me had slipped into the abyss. That the drugs had erased me. That after I had left, Jace was too high to care that I was gone.

  Dropping the book into the box, I pick up another. I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t help myself.

  Flipping through a few pages, every single one filled from top to bottom in Jace’s handwriting, I stop on a random page that catches my eye. There’s a symbol drawn across the top. A curved arrow with Oakley written along the bent shaft, the tip dripping with blood.

  I stare at the sketch for a long moment, wondering why he drew it, wondering what it means, before I turn my attention to the words on the page.

  This one is dated two and a half years ago. I think back, guessing that this was probably his first stent in rehab.

  I miss her. Fuck how I miss her. Every day when I wake up. Every night when I close my eyes. Every single second of every single day. She’s all I can think about. All I care about. I want her more than I want the needle in my arm. That’s why I’m here.

  I don’t deserve her, I know that. But I’m a selfish asshole. And if there’s any chance I can get her back, I don’t think I could walk away from that. Even if it meant I’d end up hurting her in the end.

  I need her.

  I need her more than air.

  I need her more than food or water.

  I need her more than the high.

  She is the answer to everything.

  Oakley…

  * * *

  My name has been traced over several times with the pencil, making it dark and almost illegible.

  I blink back the tears that form behind my eyes and immediately move to grab another notebook.

  This one is from a year and a half ago and even though I can’t bring myself to read anymore, I don’t miss my name etched onto almost every single page.

  Feeling suddenly sick to my stomach, I throw the remainder of the notebooks back into the box and shove it next to the others before quickly exiting the apartment.

  Chapter Eighteen

  OAKLEY

  Five years ago…

  * * *

  “Where is he?” I storm inside the house, pushing past Jared who stumbles slightly when my shoulder hits his.

  “What the fuck?” he hollers after me as I make my way further into the house.

  “Jace!” I scream down the hallway. “Jace!” I holler again as I reach the back room.

  I spot him on the far side of the couch, his head dropped back, an elastic band tied around his arm. My stomach tightens.

  “Jace.” I nudge his leg with my knee when I reach him. His eyes roll open, and even though they land on my face, it’s like he doesn’t see me at all. “Get up.” I lean down, loosening the band around his arm before pulling it off.

  I drop it onto the floor and then reach for his hand, tugging him upright.

  “Jace, I need you to stand up.” His head bobs side to side as if he has zero control over it.

  “I’m up,” he grumbles, tilting to the left.

  “No, you’re not. I need you to stand. I’ll help you.” I pivot in front of him and take both of his hands. “Ready.” I get a half nod before I give him one hard pull.

  He comes up with me but collapses back down on the couch a moment later.

  “What the fuck?” he slurs, looking around the room. His eyes bounce up to mine and finally I see the recognition, the realization that I’m here. “Oak?” he questions, confusion filling his expression.

  “I need you to come with me,” I tell him, squeezing his hands in mine.

  He nods again, though I still don’t think he’s totally with it. I tug. Once again he stands and thankfully this time he’s able to stay on his feet.

  He sways slightly as he gathers his bearings.

  “Come on.” I slip beneath his arm and guide him through the living room.

  “Where the fuck are you going?” Jared hollers after us just as I manage to get Jace to the door.

  “Home.” I swivel my head around and give him the angriest glare I can muster.

  I could kill him for this.

  He’s supposed to be Jace’s friend.

  Some friend…

  Tugging open the door without a word, I guide Jace out onto the front porch and down the steps to the sidewalk. His balance isn’t good and he keeps pressing into me, making it hard for me to walk a straight line.

  When I reach my mom’s car, which I borrowed without permission to come find Jace, I lean him against the back door and make sure he’s not going to topple over before pulling open the front passenger side door and easing him inside.

  I have to help him get his legs in and then, after making sure I’m not going to hit him with the door, I slam it shut and quickly cross around the front of the car.

  Jumping into the driver’s seat, I jam the keys into the ignition before turning my gaze to Jace.

  “What the hell were you thinking?” I yell, the anger I’ve managed to keep at bay finally boiling to the surface. “You’re shooting up now? Is that what it’s come to?”

  “Oak…”

  “Don’t you Oak me, Jace. You promised me that this was over.”

  “It is over.” His head falls back onto the headrest.

  “Is it? Because from where I’m sitting it looks like it just took a turn for the worse.”

  “I needed a little something to take the edge off.” He groans.

  “A little something to take the edge off?” I stare back at him in disbelief. “A little something to take the edge off. Jesus Christ, Jace. Do you hear yourself?” I blow out a hard breath through my nose. “What was it?”

  “Huh?” His eyes close for a long moment before fluttering back open.

  “That you shot up with? What was it?”

  “I don’t know.” He wipes his mouth with the back of his hand.

  “Bullshit you don’t know. Tell me what it was!” I demand, even though I already have a pretty good idea.

  “H,” he confirms after a long moment.

  “Heroin? Are you kidding me right now? You’re using heroin now?”

  “Just this once.” It seems like he’s having a hard time following the conversation, or even keeping his eyes open for that matter.

  “Do not lie to me, Jace Elliot Matthews. You forget who you’re talking to.” My hands shake and tears build behind my eyes.

  Heroin… I knew it had gotten bad, but I thought it was just drinking and pills I was dealing with. But heroin? I’m in so over my head right now.

  “It was just a couple of times.”

  “How long?” I demand. “How long have you been using?”

  “Oakley…”

  “Tell the fucking truth, Jace!” My voice explodes through the confines of the car.

  “I don’t know. A couple of months.”

  “A couple of months!” My words are riddled with disbelief.

  “But I’m done now.” His words are slurred and this time when he closes his eyes, he doesn’t reopen them. “I promise, Oak. I’m done.” His head lulls to the side.

  I don’t want to move this car. I don’t want to go anywhere until we’ve settled this, but it’s becoming pretty apparent that nothing is
getting resolved right now. Not with him in this condition.

  So, begrudgingly, I latch my seatbelt and start the car, pulling out onto the street moments later.

  Jace sleeps on the drive to my house. I keep the radio off so I can listen to his breathing, terrified that at any moment he might stop. I don’t know anything about heroin, other than it’s really easy to overdose on, especially if it’s laced with something else. I have no way of knowing if this is the case, so I play it safe and keep a very close watch on him.

  When I pull into the driveway, all the house lights are off. I blow out a sigh of relief. At least I don’t have to deal with my mother on top of everything else right now.

  Killing the engine, I unlatch my seatbelt and lay my head back against the headrest, my eyes trained on Jace.

  He looks so peaceful sleeping. His features relaxed, his lips slightly parted. I’m tempted to reach out and sweep his hair away from his forehead the way I’ve done a million times before but I refrain.

  I’m so angry with him. And with myself.

  I should have seen the signs. I should have known what he was up to. But it’s hard not to believe him when he looks me in the eye and swears he’s telling me the truth.

  We’ve never lied to each other before. Of course I’d believed him when he told me he was done with the pills. And I’d believed him when he told me he’d cut back on the drinking. And I naïvely trusted him when he told me he wasn’t doing anything else.

  How foolish could I be?

  Yet still, knowing everything that I know, all I want to do is help him. I can feel him slipping away. Further and further with every day that passes. I’m so desperate to keep him close. To heal him. To save him from the demons that have driven him to drugs.

  I have to. Because he’s everything to me. He’s my entire world. He’s the only thing that’s ever felt right to me. The only thing that’s ever made me feel even a semblance of worth. He is my person. And I will not, I cannot, give up on him.

  I don’t know at what point I doze off, but only that when my eyes open again they’re immediately met with Jace’s blue ones.