Where the Night Ends Page 28

  The next thing I know I’m through the front door and out onto the front porch, leaning forward with my hands gripping my knees as I struggle to suck in air. I’ve never had a true, full blown panic attack before, but I have very little doubt that this is exactly what is happening right now.

  My senses feel under attack, my lungs unable to pull in enough air, my heart beating so erratically I feel on the verge of a heart attack; the smell of copper strong in my nose and the taste of it heavy on my tongue.

  When I look up to see someone sitting on the curb directly in front of the house, I know instantly that it’s Sebastian. I can tell by the width of his broad shoulders and the sun-kissed blond hair that blows in the light breeze.

  The panic starts to recede the instant I realize he’s still here, and while the thought is unsettling as to why that might be, I can’t pretend it’s not true. Without thinking I find myself walking toward him. One small step and then another until I’m standing just a foot behind him, watching his shoulders rise and fall with each breath he takes, his knees pulled up and arms draped over them.

  “I thought you left.” My voice sounds small, weak, and I hate every second of it.

  “I’ve been sitting out here waiting for you, but I gave up that you were coming out about twenty minutes ago,” he responds, his tone flat, eyes fixed straight ahead; not seeming the least bit surprised by my appearance. He lets out a slow exhale and then adds, “I’m waiting for my cab to get here to take me to the airport. Don’t worry, I’ll be out of your way shortly.”

  “You’re leaving?”

  He lets out a laugh, but it’s not the carefree sound I’m used to. There’s something sinister about the sound, something dark.

  Without saying anything else, I slide down next to him, mirroring his posture. He makes no attempt to look at me, and I try my best to keep my eyes directed forward as well. I would guess a good ten minutes have passed before I finally get the nerve to speak again.

  “Why did you come here, Sebastian?”

  “You know why.” He glances at me out of the corner of his eye. “I meant what I said to you outside of that coffee shop. I’ve been waiting for you. Though it would appear I’ve been alone in this venture.”

  “You knew I had a boyfriend,” I weakly argue.

  “Trust me, I’m all too aware of your boyfriend. But I’m also aware that you said you loved me; here I thought that was still true.” His voice shakes slightly and only then do I realize how distraught he seems, though he’s doing his damndest to hold it together.

  “I do love you.” I lay my hand on his forearm, jumping slightly when he pulls away from my touch.

  “If you loved me you wouldn’t have said yes.” He shifts inward to face me straight on, and the hurt in his eyes knocks the wind right out of me. It’s like taking a punch to the stomach; I will the air in, but my lungs have no capacity for it.

  “That’s not fair,” I finally manage to croak out.

  “I don’t give a fuck what’s fair anymore, Tess. It’s always been an excuse. I’m starting to realize you’re never going to stop making excuses, and I’m just simply wasting my time at this point,” he seethes, quickly pushing to his feet.

  “Don’t do that. You know that isn’t true,” I object, resisting the urge to reach for him when I stand as well.

  “Bullshit, Tess.” He spins on me. “You’re never going to forgive me, are you?”

  “What are you talking about?” I question, confused by his words.

  “I’m talking about the fact that five years ago I broke your heart and your trust, and deep down you’re still holding onto that. If you weren’t you wouldn’t have turned me away when I showed up at your prom. You wouldn’t have denied me when I came to you last year. And you sure as hell wouldn’t have just agreed to marry another man. Admit it, Tess, you just can’t let it go.”

  “That’s not true, Sebastian.”

  “Don’t fucking lie to me!” he roars, causing me to stumble backward slightly. “Don’t fucking lie to me, Tess,” he repeats more calmly. “I know I fucked up. I know letting you go was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made. But fuck, Tess, I was just a kid. A kid who was trying like hell to do what was right by you. It wasn’t until that night at prom that I realized how stupid I’d been.”

  “You mean after you realized that I was going to prom with another guy. Or do you think I’m so blind I can’t see where your actions are stemming from? It’s jealously, Sebastian. That’s the one thing that’s always fueled you. You don’t want me. You discarded me so easily, and yet the second you see me with someone else it’s like you can’t live without me. So what is it, Sebastian, huh?”

  “This has nothing to do with anyone but you and me. Yes, realizing that you had a date to prom—that you were going with someone who wasn’t me—was a hard pill to swallow, and maybe I didn’t handle that situation the way I should have, but that’s not why I came for you that night. And it sure as hell isn’t why I showed up at your dorm last year. I didn’t even know you were involved with anyone. I know I’m the one who started all of this when I let you go the first time, but the only person who’s been keeping us apart is you. I tried to keep my distance, fuck—for years I tried. But I kept coming back to you, Tess. You are it for me. You’ve always been it for me.”

  “Sebastian,” I try to speak but he quickly cuts me off.

  “I want you to think long and hard about what you say to me next, Tess, because this is it for me. I’m done. I’m done chasing you. I’m done putting my life on hold waiting for you to decide you want to be with me. I’m done with this game, Tess. I’m just done.”

  “I’m not playing any games, Sebastian.”

  “You know what, I honestly believe that you believe that. I can tell by the way you look at me that you still love me. But you’ve put up this guard. I broke your heart, and so you’ve built a wall to keep me from it.”

  “The timing just wasn’t right, we agreed.”

  “No, I blamed it on timing once when I was trying to do what I thought was right. After that you ran with it, and it’s been your crutch ever since. Now, when you finally have the ability to choose me—to be with me—you agree to marry another man.”

  “I’ve been with Bennett for almost two years. It’s not just you and me. There’s another person to consider here. A person I care a great deal for. It’s not as black and white as you seem to think it is.”

  “But it is, Tess. It is black and white. Either you love me or you don’t. Either you choose me or you don’t.” He throws his hand up in frustration. “I can’t fucking do this anymore, Tess. I can’t keep running to you only to have you push me away again. I need to know now—without question—do you truly intend to marry that man?” He gestures toward the house where Bennett and all my other friends and family are gathered out back, completely oblivious to the life-altering decision staring me right in the face.

  “I don’t know what you want me to say.” I fight back the tears I feel burning the back of my eyes.

  “I want you to say no, Tess. I want you to tell me that you don’t want to marry him. I want you to tell me that you want to marry me, that you love me.”

  “I do love you,” I choke, emotion thick in my throat.

  “But you love him more, is that it?”

  “I didn’t say that.”

  “You didn’t have to.” He shakes his head. “You saying yes was all the proof I needed.”

  I want to argue it. Tell him I only said yes because he put me on the spot and I didn’t see a way I could say no, but I refrain because truthfully a part of me really did want to say yes. Bennett is a wonderful man and unlike Sebastian, he’s never hurt me. He’s supportive and reliable and all the things I had hoped to find in a person one day.

  But the one glaring problem, the one thing that has always kept my heart at bay is that he’s not Sebastian.

  “I just need some time,” I plead, my heart and my head clashing against one another.
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  My head says Bennett—he’s the smart choice, the safe choice.

  My heart says Sebastian, knowing there’s no way anyone will ever make me feel the way he does. But I know what comes along with loving someone so intensely—you lose a part of yourself in the process.

  “I’ve given you years, Tess.”

  “Sebastian.”

  “No,” he immediately cuts in, “I can’t do this. I can’t fight my way past a wall that you keep building faster than I can tear it down. Either you tell me now that I’m who you want—that this is what you want,” he gestures between the two of us, “or I’m going to walk away, and you’ll never see me again.” He waits a long moment before adding, “choose.”

  “I can’t. I can’t just make a spur of the moment decision that will not only effect my life but the life of a man who is completely innocent in all of this. Bennett doesn’t deserve what you’re asking me to do, not like this. Please just give me some time.”

  He stares at me for a long moment, the anger long gone, the sadness a distant memory, all that seems to remain now is acceptance. And that’s how I know there’s nothing more I can do.

  I either choose him or I choose Bennett, and truthfully, I’m not ready to choose either. I’ve never felt so split, so torn between two things in my entire life. It’s like I’m two completely different people. The girl who loves Sebastian and the woman who loves Bennett.

  No matter what choice I make, no matter what I do—someone loses. I lose. I can’t see a clear path, and yet I also can’t deny that out of the two there’s only one person I can’t see myself living without for the rest of my life, and that person is standing right in front of me, asking me to choose him. And yet, for the life of me, I can’t force the words out.

  “I really hope the two of you will be happy together, Tess.” He lets out a slow breath, struggling to meet my gaze.

  Seconds later a cab pulls up onto the curb next to us, slowing to a stop. And only then do I realize that this is really it. This is the moment that will define my entire future. And while the magnitude of what is happening is not lost on me, I still can’t seem to force out the words I know deep down I want to say…

  Stay.

  He reaches for the car door, throwing one last look over his shoulder—his eyes meeting mine for a fraction of a second before he’s uttering the words I’ve heard more times than I care to admit, and yet their effect on me never lessens.

  “Goodbye, Tess.”

  I don’t remember him climbing into the car. I don’t even remember the car driving away. All I know is that when Courtney yells at me from the front porch what feels like several minutes later, I’m still standing on that curb, watching the love of my life drive away as if the car is still in view—knowing this time Sebastian has no intention of ever coming back.

  It’s been a week since the graduation party at my mom’s—a week of restless nights and a sickening knot in my stomach that has only gotten worse as the days pass. I wish I could say that I found peace in my choice, happiness even, but I can’t seem to muster that feeling no matter how hard I try.

  Bennett returned to the city the day after the party to start the process of moving into the studio apartment he leased—the apartment I’m expected to move into as soon as I get the rest of my things from my dorm moved over.

  It’s taken me a lot longer to pack than either of us anticipated. I just can’t seem to get the motivation to move any quicker. I feel torn, depressed—uncertain of every single thing that stands before me.

  I haven’t been able to commit to a job. I don’t know what it is, but nothing feels right. Bennett says not to worry that all of it will come with time and he can cover the bills until then. He still thinks my inability to accept a position comes down to how I feel about the companies that I’m interviewing with. God, I wish it were that simple.

  Honestly, I’ve received two amazing offers and would normally be ecstatic to accept either one, but I just can’t seem to do it. I’ve picked up the phone more times than I can count to make the phone call, the one where I accept a job and finally settle on a path, but every time I hear the ring on the other end of the line, I panic and hang up.

  Working on packing the contents of my desk into the last box, I look around my dorm room and wonder where the last four years have gone. My roommate, Joanie, moved out last week and now that the last of my things are being packed away the room is completely bare.

  I let out a deep sigh, the sound echoing around me. What I wouldn’t give to rewind time—experience this all over again—and yet at the same time I’m so relieved that it’s finally over. There’s such a contradiction of emotions raging inside of me.

  Reaching into the last desk drawer, I pull out some random pieces of paper with notes and reminders scribbled on them, some pens and post-its, but when I reach the very bottom I pause, every muscle in my body tensing.

  Staring up at me is a much younger version of myself, one with a wide smile and happiness in her eyes. I forget what it feels like to be that girl. It seems like such a lifetime ago. Next to me in the picture is Sebastian—we’re laying on my bed, the camera outstretched above us. Instead of looking at the camera too, his eyes are locked on me, a wide smile on his lips.

  With shaky hands, I retrieve the picture from the drawer and run my finger along the outline of his face. I remember the day this was taken. It was during winter break and Sebastian and I had holed ourselves up in my room for a week straight, him only leaving when my mom came home and coming back the second she left.

  That was hands down the best week of my life.

  It’s strange how it took seeing this picture to remind me that it ever even happened. A memory I once held so dear, pushed into the back of mind and discarded like so many others. I stored it all away—every moment, every kiss, every touch. I couldn’t bear to relive any of them because if I did I would have to remember what I lost, and that was something I simply couldn’t do.

  I turn the picture over in my hands, the inscription on the back causing tears to well instantly behind my eyes.

  My everything.

  It’s only two words and yet those two words say more to me than anything else ever could. Because it reminds me of what that meant back then.

  I close my eyes and let it all come back. Every single piece of the past I stored away. I let it flood through me, pulling me under until all I can see is Sebastian. All I can feel is Sebastian. All I want is Sebastian.

  The last five years disappear and suddenly I’m there again—to the night where it all began. I can see everything so clearly—hear the noise of the party going on downstairs, feel the warm breeze on my face. And then I hear his voice, and my eyes shoot open.

  Like being doused in cold water, the fog I’ve spent the last five years living in lifts and everything comes into focus. Bennett. Sebastian. My past. My present. My future.

  I know what I want. I think I’ve always known.

  Sebastian was right. I let fear rule my choices. Even though I couldn’t see it at the time, it’s now staring me right in the face—the truth that I’ve fought so hard to deny.

  Shoving the picture into the back pocket of my jeans, I quickly empty the rest of the drawer into the box and tape it up haphazardly, only half paying attention to what I’m doing.

  My mind is set on the task ahead. I don’t have to worry that I’ll chicken out or that I won’t be able to find the strength to do what I know needs to be done. I know I will. Because for the first time in a very, very long time, I’m prepared to fight for what I want instead of hiding from it.

  ***

  Within an hour I have the last of my boxes packed into my car and am making the twenty-minute drive across the city to Bennett’s apartment. It’s crazy to think that after four years of living in New York that I can still manage to fit every belonging I have in the hatch of my run down old Jeep. I think I’m leaving with less than I came with, though I’m not sure how that’s possible.

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sp; Bennett meets me out on the street within moments of me pulling up to the curb prepared to help me carry my stuff upstairs. Jumping out of the driver’s seat, I stop him just as he rounds the back of my Jeep.

  “I’m not staying.” I’m surprised I’m able to push the words out without my voice shaking.

  He misunderstands.

  “Okay, well let me carry this up first,” he offers, his hand freezing mid-air when the next rush of words leaves my mouth.

  “No, Bennett. I mean, I’m not staying here. I’m not staying in New York.” He drops his hand and looks at me, eyebrows drawn in confusion.

  “I don’t understand.” His warm chocolate eyes hold my gaze and even though I know I’m doing the right thing, my heart is still breaking for what that means for Bennett—for us.

  “I need you to understand that this was real for me—all of it. I wasn’t prepared to open my heart to anyone when you stumbled into my life. I tried to fight against it, tried to resist you, but you made me love you anyway; even when I didn’t want to. I didn’t realize it back then, but I needed you more than I would’ve ever thought possible. You became my rock, my strength. You held me up when I didn’t have the strength to do it myself, and you never once asked me for anything in return.” I pause, letting out a shaky breath.

  “But no matter how much I love you, no matter how much I wish I could be your wife someday—I just can’t.”

  “What are you saying, Tess?” The question is an automatic response. I can tell by the look on his face he still hasn’t fully processed what I’m doing.

  “I’m saying I can’t marry you, Bennett. I can’t be with you, not in the way you deserve. You deserve a woman who will give you her whole heart. A woman who will love you more than anything in this world. A woman who will never have to split her love between you and someone else. I can’t stay here and pretend to be that woman anymore. Because the truth is I gave my heart to someone when I was sixteen-years-old, and I never got it back.” I swipe at the tears now falling down my cheeks. “I’m so sorry, Bennett. I’m sorry that I made you believe I could give you something I can’t. I’m sorry that I made you promises I’m now going to have to break. I’m just so, so sorry.” My bottom lip quivers as I speak.