How We Fall Read online

  TABLE of CONTENTS

  Copyright

  Playlist

  One

  Two

  Three

  Four

  Five

  Six

  Seven

  Eight

  Nine

  Ten

  Eleven

  Twelve

  Thirteen

  Fourteen

  Fifteen

  Sixteen

  Seventeen

  Eighteen

  Nineteen

  Twenty

  Twenty-one

  Twenty-two

  Twenty-three

  Twenty-four

  Twenty-five

  Twenty-six

  Twenty-seven

  Epilogue

  Acknowledgments

  Stalk Me

  Copyright 2017 ©How We Fall by Melissa Toppen

  All rights reserved. Except as permitted by U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, no part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without prior permission of the author.

  The scanning, uploading, and distribution of this book via the Internet or via other means without the permission of the publisher is illegal and punishable by law. Please purchase only authorized electronic editions and do not participate in or encourage electronic piracy of copyrighted materials.

  This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, establishments, or organizations, and incidents are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously to give a sense of authenticity. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

  Cover Design by Pink Ink

  Cover Models:

  Editing and Interior Design by Masque of the Red Pen

  © 2017 Melissa Toppen

  Love is of all passions the strongest,

  for it attacks simultaneously the head,

  the heart and the senses.

  -Lao Tzu

  I Found (Acoustic)- Amber Run

  This Town- Niall Horan

  Haunting- Halsey

  Welcome Home (Acoustic)- Joy Williams

  Impossible (Acoustic)- James Arthur

  Between the Lines- Sara Bareilles

  Fire and the Flood- Vance Joy

  Imagination- Shawn Mendes

  Just a Kiss- Lady Antebellum

  Spell- Marie Digby

  Supposed (Acoustic)- James Arthur

  White Horse- Taylor Swift

  Where Do We Go From Here- Ruelle

  Like This- Shawn Mendes

  Love of a Lifetime- Firehouse

  In Case You Didn’t Know- Brett Young

  For Her- Chris Lane

  Helium- Sia

  Perfect- Ed Sheeran

  I remember the first time I ever laid eyes on Cole Lincoln. I was ten, sitting on my porch anxiously awaiting the arrival of our new neighbors. Very little ever happened in the small town of Irving, so a new family moving in was big news, at least in my eyes.

  I remember holding my breath as I watched the messy haired kid, right around my age, emerge out of a red Camaro parked on the street. He looked up at his new house before he leaned inside the car and pulled out a bag, swinging it onto his shoulder as he followed his mom inside.

  Being a curious ten-year-old, I decided to get a better view. Hopping off the porch, I grabbed my bike from where it leaned against a large tree in our front yard and pushed it out onto the street. Climbing on, I rode in circles between his house and mine for a good twenty minutes, just waiting for him to come outside again.

  After a while the novelty wore off, and I rode to the end of the alley where my best friend, Dawn, lived. She was the only other girl my age in the neighborhood and while we swore we would be best friends forever, I would later learn our friendship was merely a product of circumstance.

  We lived close to one another, but we were worlds apart. I was the chubby, poor kid with three brothers who sported mostly boyish hand-me-downs because my mom couldn’t afford to buy me new clothes. She, on the other hand, wore all the latest fashions, lived in a brand new house her parents’ built, and was way prettier than me, or at least that’s how I always felt.

  Luckily for me that day she wasn’t home. Because if she had been, I wouldn’t have ridden my bike back down that alley to find Cole circling his bike in the center of the road the same way I had been just moments earlier.

  When he spotted me coming, he stopped but remained firmly planted on his bike. I pulled up right next to him, and I remember the conversation like it took place yesterday.

  “You the new kid?” My epic first words.

  “You the neighbor?” he quipped, cocking his head to the side with a playful smile.

  I think I fell in love with him that moment, his dark eyes, deep dimples, and messy brown hair had won me over in the matter of seconds. Of course, it would be years later before I realized just how much that moment weighed on my heart.

  “Melanie.” I stuck my hand out without hesitation. I was far from shy. If anything I was probably a bit obnoxious.

  “Cole.” He shook my hand, his smile still firmly in place.

  “You wanna ride around for a while?” I asked, placing my right foot on the pedal while balancing the bike with my left.

  “Sure.” He shrugged and mirrored my actions, placing one foot on the pedal and balancing himself with the other. With that, we pushed off and began strolling through the neighborhood side by side.

  Irving was the definition of a small town. Four intersecting alleyways connected the only real neighborhood in town. Some of the houses that lined the streets were old and falling apart, like the one I lived in. Others, like Dawn’s and Cole’s, were much bigger and much nicer. The rest of the homes in town were farmhouses and were spread further apart. Irving only had a corner store, a family-owned bar/restaurant, a church and a post office, which left very little for kids our age to do.

  I spent my days going to school, which was located twenty minutes from town; riding my bike, walking the railroad tracks that ran through town, and hunting crawdads and tadpoles in the creek that ran behind my friend Michael’s house.

  I filled Cole in on all of this as we rode, pointing out some of my friends’ houses along the way. While a little backward at first, it only took Cole about a half an hour before he was talking my ear off like we had known each other our whole lives.

  He told me his family moved a lot. In the last four years he’d lived in four different towns, all in Ohio. As someone who had lived in the same place her whole life, I rather envied him in a way. He told me about an older sister whom he never saw, a stepdad whom he didn’t seem to like very much, and that he loved watching football; something we had in common though we rooted for different teams. Him the Raiders, me the Browns. Not in the same division, so it never got too competitive between us.

  By the end of that day we had learned quite a bit about each other, and as he pulled his bike into his driveway and looked back at me, that dimple-filled smile plastered across his face, I knew we’d be friends forever.

  And we were, at least in the way childhood friendships go. After that first day, we were inseparable. He paid no mind to the fact that I didn’t wear the type of clothes all the cool kids at school—including him—were wearing. He didn’t make fun of me for being slightly chubby or once make me feel bad because I was poor. He embraced me, made me feel wanted for the first time in my life.

  Being one of four children with a mom who worked sixteen hour days and was hardly ever home, I had struggled for a long time to find where I belonged. I know she did it to support us, but for a ten-year-old, all I wanted was a little of her time. She wasn’t an overly affectionate
person to begin with, so when you added in her long hours and need to sleep, sometimes I felt like I didn’t have a mom at all. Cole, on the other hand, gave me a sense of purpose, a sense of belonging. I loved him like he was family until that love began to morph into something a little more complicated.

  Funny how short forever turns out to be. Because like all children do, we started to grow up. We were still super close through junior high, watching football games on Sundays, and taking walks on the railroad tracks to complain about how everything sucked. Because, I mean, we were teenagers at that point and everything really did suck.

  That’s when things really started to change for me. I had always thought Cole was cute, but the older he got the more he wasn’t just cute anymore, he was gorgeous. He still sported the same messy hair and his dark eyes still twinkled when he was up to no good, but he had grown into his dimples— they no longer took over his whole face—and his body was changing. His once skinny frame had started to fill out, and I swear he shot up almost an entire foot the summer before our freshman year.

  I knew then that I was in love with him, but I also knew I would never have the courage to tell him. He was popular, good looking, and always had girls at his locker. I was the kid who wore old raggedy clothes and did my best to disappear into the crowd. There was nothing special about me. But he was special. I knew he would never love me the way I loved him.

  It wasn’t until about half way through our freshman year of high school that things between us really started to shift. It happened one day on winter break. Cole, Dawn, Michael and I had walked to the Miller’s property. They had a massive hill that was the ultimate sledding spot when we had a really big snow. Mrs. Miller would always make hot chocolate. She and Mr. Miller never had children, though I suspect they had wanted to, but for whatever reason never did. They welcomed all the neighborhood kids and most days would sit out on their back porch and watch us sled. Some of my fondest childhood memories were spent on that hill.

  There were about fifteen kids who had shown up. In addition to the three friends who came with me, my two younger brothers and some of their friends ended up there, too.

  Matt was my oldest brother. He was a senior and way too cool to hang out with us. David was two years younger than me and probably the sweetest kid you’d ever meet. And then there was John—two years below David—he was the youngest and the biggest trouble maker of the four of us, as fearless as they come.

  Because of this, I spent more time keeping an eye on him than I did sledding with my friends. He was only eleven after all and very prone to injury given that he was afraid of nothing.

  The boys finally headed home a couple hours later, and I was able to rejoin my friends who were sitting on their sleds at the end of the hill talking. And that’s when I spotted it—Cole’s arm stretched behind him as he leaned back on his wooden sled, Dawn’s hand tucked inside his.

  I walked down the side of the hill, not wanting to slide down and draw attention to myself. The closer I got, the harder my stomach twisted. They were most definitely holding hands.

  I purposely avoided making eye contact with Cole as I reached the group, but I didn’t miss the way he pulled his hand away the moment he caught sight of me. So not only were my two best friends dating, they were making it a point to keep it a secret from me. Or at least Cole was.

  The betrayal I felt knotted deep inside me, and for the first time in my life I understood what true jealousy meant. I hated Dawn in that moment. I hated her designer coat and fashionable hat and glove set. I hated the slight curve in her front tooth that was barely noticeable, and the way her mouth went up higher on one side when she smiled. Mentally I began picking her apart because no one was good enough for my Cole—especially not her.

  Making some daft excuse to leave, I couldn’t remember a time I wanted to escape a situation so badly. I took off up that hill like someone had lit a fire underneath me, not once looking behind me as I made the two-mile trek home by myself. Tears leaked from my eyes and turned cold against my face, but I made no attempt to wipe them away.

  I think that was the first time I ever realized the extent of my feelings for Cole, and by that point it was too late. Why would he ever want me—with my ratty clothes, less than perfect body, and absolutely no social status? I had never even owned a piece of makeup in my life let alone used it. Why would he have wanted someone like that when he could have Dawn—a girl who possessed every quality I didn’t? Prim and proper with her perfect clothes and her perfect hair and her perfect makeup-caked face.

  Are you sensing my dislike yet? Well you should be. I didn’t know it was possible to hate someone as much as I hated her that day. Looking back now, I know I never actually hated her. But she had the one and only thing I wanted, and that was so devastating I didn’t even leave my bed the next day.

  In fact, I went an entire week without speaking to either of them. It was the longest bout of silence between Cole and me since the day we met five years prior. I felt his loss immensely, but pride and jealousy kept me from reaching out.

  We didn’t have any of the same classes in school and barely ever saw each other in the hallway. So when I approached my locker exactly nine days after the sledding incident, I was surprised to find him leaning against it, arms crossed in front of his chest. He looked so handsome my knees almost gave out as I approached him.

  “What are you doing here?” I questioned, waiting for him step aside before unlocking my locker and swinging the door open to retrieve my books for first and second period.

  “I missed you.” He moved to lean against the locker next to mine, his dark eyes burning into the side of my face.

  “I doubt that,” I smarted off, refusing to look at him.

  “Hey,”—he grabbed my shoulders and pulled me to face him—“what’s that supposed to mean?”

  “I’m sure Dawn has been keeping you company,” I ground out, staring at his chest rather than his face.

  “Mel, I,” he started.

  “Don’t you Mel me!” I exploded, flipping my fiery gaze to his face. The shock registered first, then the hurt.

  Serves him right, I had thought at the time.

  “We were supposed to be best friends.” The anger flooded out, showing just how hurt my feelings were.

  “We are best friends.”

  “Are we?” I fought back tears. “Is that why you didn’t tell me you and Dawn were together?” I knew I was more hurt and angry because they were together and not because he didn’t tell me, but I was never going to admit to that.

  “I was going to tell you.” He let out a long breath. “Honestly, I didn’t think you’d care.”

  “That two of my best friends are now a couple and apparently I’m the last to know, why would I care about that?” I turned back toward my locker, grabbing a pencil and pad of paper, shoving them in my bag and throwing it over my shoulder before pushing my locker closed.

  “I have to get to class, Cole.” I finally looked back at him, my resolve slipping into place.

  “Melanie, please don’t be like this.”

  “I’m not being like anything, Cole. You and Dawn are dating. Congrats. Now if you don’t mind, I have to get to class. One more tardy and Mr. Purdy is going to have me in detention for the rest of the year.”

  He stared at me for another long moment, opened his mouth like he wanted to say more, but then snapped it shut.

  “I’ll see ya later.” I slid past him, turning only to see him still pressed against my locker.

  My heart wanted me to turn around, tell him the truth. But my head had accepted that this was what we were now. We weren’t kids anymore, and it was time we started acting as such.

  For the next three years I watched an endless parade of women filter through Cole’s life. Things were never the same between us after that day next to my locker, and while we were still friendly, our friendship never truly recovered.

  I spent time focusing on anything other than my sexy as sin neighb
or. I worked on bettering myself both inside and out. I got into yoga and jogging which helped me shed the last twenty pounds of childhood fat I was still carrying around. I got a job at the corner store and made enough money to not wear how poor my family was on the outside. I spent every penny trying to fit in—the best clothes, the best makeup, hell I even bought a car. It wasn’t much but for a junior in high school, I was happy to just not have to ride the school bus. And while I never reached Cole status, the last two years of high school didn't totally suck. I had friends, dated, and finally got out from under Dawn’s shadow.

  We, too, drifted apart. We were what I like to call ‘fake friends’. We’d hang out from time to time and stop to talk to each other in the hallways, but it was never genuine. In my eyes she had stolen Cole from me. She was his first girlfriend, a position I always thought I’d hold. She took his virginity which she pretended to accidently tell me a year after they started dating even though I know it was to hurt me.

  Unlike Cole, Dawn knew how I felt about him. And yet, she went after him anyway. Maybe I did hate her after all.

  Toward the end of senior year, everyone was preparing for college, excited about the next step in their lives. Dawn had graduated early and had started spring semester at Texas A&M. Michael was leaving for the Marines in less than three weeks. And Cole, well, I found out through the grapevine that he had been accepted to NYU.

  Everyone was off to do bigger and better things, but not me. My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer a couple of months before graduation, and while she fought hard, her health declined rapidly. Given my father’s absence since we were little, I knew there was no way I could leave David and John. I was all they had.

  So while everyone else was leaving our small town, most for good, I was trying to figure out how I was going to care for my sick mother and two younger brothers all by myself. My older brother Matt had moved to Wisconsin a year prior with his girlfriend, Randi. He’d only been home once to visit. Even though to this day he’s never admitted it, I think it killed him to see Mom in that condition. In a way, I guess I can understand. It was easier for him to stay away, and that’s okay. I don’t bear any anger toward him, maybe jealously that he got out, but no anger.